Some days.. are just not good days.

Hi, my name is Danielle, and I suffer from depression and anxiety. On top of that I also suffer from PMDD.. premenstrual dysphoric disorder. Boy, what a treat that is. At this current point in time I want to cry, do the dishes, smash something, scream to the top of my lungs, sew, crawl in a hole, bang my head against the wall, eat chocolate, sleep for the next week, cuddle with my dog, do the laundry, puke, eat a bag of chips, do some yoga, hug my son… and yet here I sit doing nothing. Im sad, Im anxious, Im antsy, Im irritable and just yelled at my 8 year old for being loud and taking forever to eat… Im so lost right now. This feeling is the deepest, most guttural sadness and emptiness and nothing fixes it. Im on anxiety medication already and during this part of the month it’s like being dumped in a river and not being able to swim. The medication doesnt work during these few days.. or maybe it does its part and I would hate to imagine the full effect of this bitch named PMDD. Im just drifting along drowning until all of a sudden, out of the blue… it goes away. It’s hot and cold, black and white, gold or silver, up or down… there’s no in between to prepare for it. Its hard and it’s fast and it’s sudden and just like that Im okay again. In the middle of the up and down it’s almost unbearable.  It’s empty but it so fucking crowded. It’s numb but it hurts like a motherfucker. 

Im going to go make some chamomile tea, drink a bunch of water, and lay on the couch until this feeling passes. Please universe, do not let me snap at my little boy again. He doesnt deserve my loud voice and he certainly plays no part in my feeling this way.  

Also, universe, do not let me eat chips. kthx.